Death in the house on the manmade lake

Geese sitting in a manmade lake.
A hottie washing her BMW.
A clever license plate in hexadecimal.
A phone call.

Geese screeching.

A mild wind.

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I am on fire.
Sitting here, stir-crazy, fever over,
head full of bliss and thoughts flying faster than-

On the edge of a cliff
I look out towards the horizon and see such sights-
What's there? I want to sail out and touch the sky
Soar into space
Breathe the breath of an untouched land.
Discover a place of my own.

The numbers rattle in my head.
Zero, one, rpush, copy, skip if zero-
if, foreach, do-
my fingers brush the keyboard as I stare into a blank-

It's on the tip of my tounge. I want to say, to shout, to pronounce
It's here! The time is now!
I know the language, but the thought eludes me.

Buffer, drawback, vector, rotation, input, output-
servers crashing behind me like towers collapsing
I jump the fence, the fresh breeze of sea air filling my lungs

and I'm here.

Sitting here, stir-crazy, fever over,
I am on fire.

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A recent late-night coding endeavor has yielded a peculiar result:
Guru Meditation.

I can't really say why I made this or what I was aiming for.
If I was being generous, I'd call it a pastiche of eastern mysticism lite, doggerel humor, and hacker aesthetics.

If you have any material (profound statements, koans, short poems, wordplay, etc.) which you would like to include, please email them to me.


Phase is now finished thanks to the development team from Cal Poly Pomona.
You can now visit the Phase webpage which has in-game screenshots, a video, and a 3-level playable download for windows!

I just want to thank everyone on the team for all the hard work they put in to make our shared dream a reality. It has been a privilege to stand back and watch the game progress from concept to completion.

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I'm happy to report that after abstaining from playing video games for a year and five days, I'm ready to start again in moderation (on the weekends only.) I'm really happy about this, especially because I'm working with Robert on a brand new game called Phase. We will definitely have a working prototype of the singleplayer game by this summer, since it is being developed by Robert and three other programmers for their Game Development class.

I may start a Phase development blog for the heck of it... I don't feel like posting about it too much here for the time being. Might be nice to lighten the mood around here a bit, though.

Honey pie!

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Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of my blog...
I was so busy I forgot to post! Here's an update on random things.

I have been practicing guitar again and picking up drums. I learned "St. Ides' Heaven" by Elliott Smith which is pretty much my favorite song, and played it at two open mic nights here at Chapman. I am now learning "Coming Up Roses" by Elliott Smith and a couple of other songs. I finally let go of my old electric Jackson (which I got from Tomas years ago on the condition I never sell it, but only give it away), trading with my friend Jon for his low-end acoustic steel string. I am working on a brand new episode of Radio Free Radical featuring local artists, mostly those I met at the open mics.

I am directing a scene from Good Will Hunting for class and am really excited about it. I am lucky to be working with some talented actors. It's coming along well and I'm planning to shoot it next month.

Hopefully I can find a good hands-on film internship this summer. I had a great time last summer as an engineer intern.
I'm thinking that after I graduate I will try to support myself doing postproduction but hopefully working on some of my own projects on the side where I can write and direct. Oddly, I'm finding it pays better to do tech support than to be a recording engineer! But I might lose my mind if I had to fix computers all day. We'll see.

By the way, I have renamed my new blog (Rantbox) to Rainbox which I feel is less angry. It's a nod to the Grateful Dead song "Box of Rain" which is one of my favorite songs. I have abandoned the tech focus and instead plan to use it for sharing anything that I like or love, while this blog will be more focused on my own artistic endeavors and little snippets of life. Which probably sounds more interesting than it actually is.

Overall, I have been trying to devote my life to God. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I stumble and struggle a lot. I'm trying to be of service to others and go the extra mile, yet I worry that if I give too much away I'll get used up (thankfully this has not been my experience so far.) I find myself very oppositional at times to what I know to be best for me. I am mystified at how there's some subconscious process at work that seems to cause me to self-sabotage and sometimes even self-destruct. It makes no logical sense but it's inside me, pulling constantly. I'm hoping part of this is just growing up... learning to swallow the yucky medicine, i.e. do something I know to be right even if I don't feel like it. But there is more at work here as well, and I'm thankful to have the support of a higher power when I'm wise enough to ask for it.

I have been trying to create a spiritual practice for myself. Right now it's shaping up to be sacrificing the day to God and praying for the healing and well-being of my loved ones if I have time. I would also like to do at least ten minutes per day of shamatha, or sitting breath meditation. However I am finding myself lacking in discipline to sit regularly. I did have a really great experience over winter break when I went to Colorado for a ten-day meditation retreat at Shambhala Mountain Center where I made a lot of friends and learned about buddhism, shamatha, tonglen, dharma art, and a lot of other cool things. I created an animated slideshow of photos I took on the trip for our banquet on the last day, and I will hopefully be able to share that here soon.

I often get caught in tunnel vision and can see only what I perceive as my problems and shortcomings. But all things considered, my life is pretty sweet right now and full of abundant blessings. I get to hang out with Robert and my new friends I met through him every weekend. I have a lot of wonderful opportunities to explore my creative side, and in the process, earn a degree! I hope to try my hand at more writing and directing in the semesters to come, and to share the fruits (rotten or otherwise) of my mind here, as always.

Peace be with you,

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Why can't I write
like I feel?

I thought I was better
the letters don't flow
It's my fault.

Why can't I have
more discipline?

Beat, beat
beat myself up
all the time

I'd better go easy.

That's the word
curdled and burned,
a wreck, technically.

A slob.
Can't be bothered for
rhyme and meter,
consonance is the best I can manage
in this vers libre.

I'm sick of it.
I should quit.

But I can't stop
spewing on the page
Jesus, it's not like I'm
some sort of tortured artist

muse burning a hole in my pocket.


Does everyone do this?

The doubt.
Will it last forever?
Never. It comes and goes
coming up roses
pricking my calloused fingers.

Well, that was cathartic.
The least I can do for you
is to cut off this self-referential bullsh*t before it becomes ridiculous.

Here's something new,
a poem within a poem:


The ocean breathes so openly
the sand beneath my skin.
I walk across the desert
seeking somewhere to begin.

A seagull floats above me
with its polished charcoal eyes
it followed me, an omen
in an animal disguise.

Kicking up the dust, it clears
so that I can see the stars
I freeze, held by the stare
of the sharp crimson eye of mars.

I close my eyes. God, guide me
back to safety, teach me trust
the darkness closes in on me
step slowly in the dust.

I stop. I am surrounded
by an ever-growing light.
"Son, do not be so foolish;
this is why I gave you sight."

A cascade of manic energy
the rise, the fall, the crash
neurons fire, sweet desire,
rage like hot volcanic ash.

Will they ever understand?
How can I show them, make them see?
That truly being a Messiah
is our responsibility.

"In time, son. Go to sleep.
remember this: to Love and Be."
alone, I head for home, now
Israel lives inside of me.

I hope you liked my poem. I can only write what I know.
Or don't know. Whatever.

I think I'll stop wasting your time.
Think on it.
I would be consistently melodramatic if I said
that I can't rest until I've told everyone.

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